We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
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Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
me after drinking all the wine:
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.