We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
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*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.