[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
You Might Also Like
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
can’t bark with your mouth full
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
I have never related to a cat more
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.