@QwertyJones3

We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.

“How about Radio Shack?”

Perfect.

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@DVSblast

I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”

@PerkyandSaggy

*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*

@dulcetry

I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that

@Florescience

*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”

@KenJennings

The thing about liking Kanye is that no matter how into him you are, you’re AT BEST his #2 fan.

@MrsMikePatton

God, grant me serenity to accept that people are ignorant, courage to uphold the law when I’m hostile & wisdom to realize murder is illegal.

@HatfieldAnne

I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.

@juliussharpe

I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they’re going to be talking.