We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
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Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Facebook Twitter
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*