I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
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Remember mad cow disease?
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
The thing about liking Kanye is that no matter how into him you are, you’re AT BEST his #2 fan.
God, grant me serenity to accept that people are ignorant, courage to uphold the law when I’m hostile & wisdom to realize murder is illegal.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they’re going to be talking.