“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
You Might Also Like
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Netflix: We have Less
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
s
oc
i
a
l
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine