As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
We need a weapon that hits something only hard enough to really annoy it, then turns back around & attacks us! -Inventor of the Boomerang.
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There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Google: Wow. I’m right here
*hovers mouse over send button*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.