@AristotlesNZ

We need a weapon that hits something only hard enough to really annoy it, then turns back around & attacks us! -Inventor of the Boomerang.

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@heatherlou_

As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

@WilliamRodgers

There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…

@aligarchy

*composes email*

*proofreads*

*hovers mouse over send button*

*proofreads again*

*is about to send*

*proofreads a third time*

*gets glass of water*

*proofreads once more*

*finally sends email*

*re-reads email just for good measure*

OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO

@juskewitch

A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.

@Mom_Overboard

Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!

@CaptainJerkwad

“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.

“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.

@XLToast

Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?

Stranger: He’s over there!

Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]

@murrman5

[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]

@trumpetcake

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.