“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
You Might Also Like
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.