We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
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I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.