We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
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“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.