My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
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Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Interviewer: no, I meant any applicable skills?
Me: *still making goldfish lip kisses
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
These two books contain the sum total of all human knowledge
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Built a TV news desk in the living room. Area wife very upset.
HOT SINGLES NEAR YOU
BURNING SINGLES NEAR YOU
1ST DEGREE BURNED SINGLES NEAR YOU
DEAD SINGLES NEAR YOU
??? ????’? ??? ????
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!