We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
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the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
True statement👍😏😁
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another