We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
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You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.