We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
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[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁