After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
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Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds