“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
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I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Breaking news:
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.