“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
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I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
This is painfully accurate 😅
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.