We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
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Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
idk what he going thru but i feel him
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
I found your tweet-up…
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.