We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
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When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)