“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”

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ME: Ha, like the movie.

CASHIER: Nice one, Seinfeld.

ME: Ha, like the comedian.


ME: Ha, like a mime…


Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.


*opens Advil*

*takes Advil*

*closes Advil*

*looks at husband*

“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”


And that, class is why we keep our mouths shut whilst changing a sewer pump.


Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.


“Are you smarter than a 5th grader?”

Me: “Sometimes?”

“Are you smarter than a 16 year old?”

Me: “Always.”


If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?