@KateWhineHall

“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”

You Might Also Like

@Merman_Melville

(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT

@novicefather

[william shakespeare as an 8yo]

dad: bedtime

william: dost thou not…

dad: [interrupting] STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!

@GingerAtLaw

No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED

@SteveKoehler22

Real Road Signs
(What they mean)

“Rough road”
(Road sucks)

“Construction zone”
(Unattended orange cone zone)

“Lanes shift”
(Confusing af)

@markydoodoo

Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.

@sixthformpoet

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

@DrakeGatsby

Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October

@bartandsoul

A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town