@Merman_Melville
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
@KateWhineHall
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
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@Merman_Melville
@novicefather
[william shakespeare as an 8yo]
dad: bedtime
william: dost thou not…
dad: [interrupting] STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!
@proheauxe
This is the scariest thing I’ve ever read
@GingerAtLaw
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
@SteveKoehler22
Real Road Signs
(What they mean)“Rough road”
(Road sucks)“Construction zone”
(Unattended orange cone zone)“Lanes shift”
(Confusing af)
@markydoodoo
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
@sixthformpoet
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
@DrakeGatsby
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
@bartandsoul
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town