“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
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January has been Januweary
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse