(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
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[william shakespeare as an 8yo]
william: dost thou not…
dad: [interrupting] STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!
This is the scariest thing I’ve ever read
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Real Road Signs
(What they mean)
(Unattended orange cone zone)
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town