@TheTobbie
CASHIER: 300.
ME: Ha, like the movie.
CASHIER: Nice one, Seinfeld.
ME: Ha, like the comedian.
CASHIER: …
ME: Ha, like a mime…
@KateWhineHall
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
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@TheTobbie
@ThugRaccoons
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
@danjan13
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
@Mr_Mike_Clarke
Happy Thanksgiving
@mommajessiec
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
@SurlyJon
And that, class is why we keep our mouths shut whilst changing a sewer pump.
@AuthorGaylord
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
@hunz74
“Are you smarter than a 5th grader?”
Me: “Sometimes?”
“Are you smarter than a 16 year old?”
Me: “Always.”
@viciousbabydoll
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
@TheWeirdWorld
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?