We only have world peace today thanks to the tireless efforts of thousands of former beauty queens who didn’t give up on their dreams.

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My wife sent me to the store to buy shampoo, conditioner, lotion and condoms. I’m pretty sure the cashier thinks I’m making a girlfriend.


card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-



A woman on the train kept staring at me and after about 25 minutes she was like “I’m sorry, but you look like my high school boyfriend who passed away” and without missing a beat I was like “Amanda?” and she was like “My name’s Rachel”… but imagine if I guessed her name right.


Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.


*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*


When people tell me to get my act together I have to explain that this is not an act, I really am this incompetent.


Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe