We only have world peace today thanks to the tireless efforts of thousands of former beauty queens who didn’t give up on their dreams.

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My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.


The stages of getting old are:
1) shocked to see that some famous person is younger than you
2) not surprised anymore b/c they’re all younger


Accidentally used the elephant emoji so thanks, Apple, for the next five hours of fighting


*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.


Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive


Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..


Nurse: Your name, please?
Me: Dr. Feelgood.
Nurse: …
Me: …
Nurse: You’re not a Dr. are you?
Me: No, I won’t make you feel good, either.


I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries


[working at Bed Bath & Beyond]
ME: Hi there, may I help you? What are you looking for?
CUSTOMER: Shower head.
ME: Sir, please, we just met.