My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
We only have world peace today thanks to the tireless efforts of thousands of former beauty queens who didn’t give up on their dreams.
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The stages of getting old are:
1) shocked to see that some famous person is younger than you
2) not surprised anymore b/c they’re all younger
Accidentally used the elephant emoji so thanks, Apple, for the next five hours of fighting
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
put a wig on the dog and frightened the crap out of the postman.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Nurse: Your name, please?
Me: Dr. Feelgood.
Nurse: You’re not a Dr. are you?
Me: No, I won’t make you feel good, either.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
[working at Bed Bath & Beyond]
ME: Hi there, may I help you? What are you looking for?
CUSTOMER: Shower head.
ME: Sir, please, we just met.