Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
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At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
me working on my assignments ^-^
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…