We only have world peace today thanks to the tireless efforts of thousands of former beauty queens who didn’t give up on their dreams.

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A horror movie with an all black cast

“Ayo what’s that noise in your basement?”

“None of my business”

“You right”



Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.


Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.


Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit


*sales call

Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..

Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever


If I had a time machine I’d go back 10 years and tell myself “Write down the names of all the people you loan stuff to.”


the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds


Me: How can I make this funny?

Them: Change what funny is.


All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.