“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
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JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
felt that
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions