Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.

I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”

…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

Parenting’s First Law of Physics:

An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.

The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.

*takes 87 selfies*

At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.

Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.

Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.

Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur

me: I won’t I’m not an idiot

Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery

me: *eyes narrow*

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”

How To Be A Parent

Step 1: have a child

Step 2: your guess is as good as mine

Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus

me: how much is this cordless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.

Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.

[watching Jaws]

Me: Which ones Jaws

Girlfriend: Who do u think?

Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell

If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.

[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …

[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.

Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.

Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!

ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?

DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine

pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher

Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.

My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.

I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.

My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?