We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
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Just a reminder, folks:
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”