We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
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His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.