We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
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Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!