We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
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Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING