“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
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Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat