@Merman_Melville

we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”

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@5exyunchained

I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.

@Marcmywords2

She texted me, “I love U”

So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”

Now my CD’s are missing.

Weird!

@TheHyyyype

PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!

ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*

@AwkwardTwitts

“Wow, you’re tall.. Do you play basketball?” “Wow, you’re short. Do you play mini golf?”

@VeryLonelyLuke

I adopted a rock.

He just sits there and does nothing all day.

It still beats raising Kylo.

@IamEnidColeslaw

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

@ImaFlyontheWall

Wears a black shirt to a first dates house to see if shes lying about having cats

@HomeWithPeanut

Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.

So, teardrop tattoo it is.

@DeadLioness

There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.