We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
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I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.