I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
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Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
applebee’s waiter: what would u like to order
me: i’ll take the apple
waiter: we don’t actually sell apples
me, visibly frightened: ok then. [gulps] i’ll have the bees
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”