Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
You Might Also Like
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Today’s Times
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.