*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
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Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Tastes like chicken.
Turns out if your grandmother dies more than 6 times in a year, HR will start to question your request for time off.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
“i’d do anthony for you” – worst autocorrect fail by me
YELLOW HIPPO: (whispering to red hippo) I’m not your enemy. Marble scarcity is a myth spread by humans to turn us against each other.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
waiter: can i show you to the table
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]