@lonelydandruff

we r all Mehmet

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@Scottzilla667

*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*

@Sorrowscopes

Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.

@thatUPSdude

Turns out if your grandmother dies more than 6 times in a year, HR will start to question your request for time off.

@hangin_out

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

@suntzufuntzu

YELLOW HIPPO: (whispering to red hippo) I’m not your enemy. Marble scarcity is a myth spread by humans to turn us against each other.

@FredTaming

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]