We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
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[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends