@totmessmom

We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.

You Might Also Like

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*

@KingRainhead

Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books

@jwoodham

Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.

@david8hughes

Her: I like your hair. Did you get it cut?
Me: I washed it
Her: but it looks really different
Me: yeah I used water this time

@Seinfeld2000

GERG: She licked ur donut?

JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!

GERG: gross!

JERY: she also said she “hates america”

GERG: Donut licking traitor!

@Matt_The_1st

For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons

@ElliotHetherton

[first date]

Her: I love big hearted people

Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy

@parkersJoking

[at Dr. appointment]

Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.

Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING

@Blarebare

My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.