My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
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I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Thoughts
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!