You Might Also Like
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
you stereotypes are all alike
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.