[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
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God: you’re a dog.
God: the humans are gonna love you.
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
I win about 60-65% of the arguments I have with myself.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
SECURITY GUARD: You can’t bring open containers of alcohol in here.
ME: This is a service beer.
Sometimes I feel awkward cause I don’t quite know what to do with all my limbs, but then I imagine if I was an octopus and I feel better.
My desires are unconfessional. No wait. Unconditional? Pumpkin sensual? I just had it. Undone sectionals? Unmoustachable? Stunned pistachio?