“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
You Might Also Like
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Where is your GOD now????
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
smartest karate player in the world
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.