@MattMcC1

“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall

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@dorsalstream

ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple

ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.

@darkmatter_wimp

At the club, a 6’1″ girl was crying in my lap.

I just kept petting her hair, pretending she was a sad giraffe.

Win-win.

@better_off_dad

I swear it’s like nobody who says ‘bite me’ actually means it anymore.

@PurelyYours1

My stomach just made a really weird noise. So I’m just going to send a pizza down to check it out.

@PeterClayton6

*buys shed at B&Q*

B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?

Me: No, it’s going in the garden.

B&Q:

Me:

B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.

@CynicalTherapi1

Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.

@dog_feelings

WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME

@thepunningman

“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”

“They all called to say they’re running late”

@dumbbeezie

Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone

@notfunnyelle

My best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 35 we’ll hunt each other for sport