ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
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At the club, a 6’1″ girl was crying in my lap.
I just kept petting her hair, pretending she was a sad giraffe.
I swear it’s like nobody who says ‘bite me’ actually means it anymore.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. So I’m just going to send a pizza down to check it out.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
My best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 35 we’ll hunt each other for sport