@MattMcC1

“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall

You Might Also Like

@sofarrsogud

[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: nice!

God: the humans are gonna love you.

Dog: why?

God: well you have a lot in common.

Dog: really? do they have updog too?

God: what’s updog?

Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.

God: yep you’re just like them.

Dog: [tail wag].

@AskinWayne

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

@MUMSIEesq

SECURITY GUARD: You can’t bring open containers of alcohol in here.

ME: This is a service beer.

@shahnischmani

Sometimes I feel awkward cause I don’t quite know what to do with all my limbs, but then I imagine if I was an octopus and I feel better.

@ibid78

My desires are unconfessional. No wait. Unconditional? Pumpkin sensual? I just had it. Undone sectionals? Unmoustachable? Stunned pistachio?