[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
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There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️