We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
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Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
the simulation is moving too fast
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.