We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
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The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
oh my gosh!!
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Wait for it