@rzarosco

“We should definitely let dolphins go into space instead of monkeys” said one scientist obviously not a dolphin dressed up as a scientist

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@ADifGuy

Walmart has strategically placed the cold sore meds in the mistletoe aisle.

@bingowings14

My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.

@joejwest

HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do

@sarcasticmommy4

Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.

@Diversion50

I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

@jwoodham

As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

@KentWGraham

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.