Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
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I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Great game to play with friends
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]