“We should definitely let dolphins go into space instead of monkeys” said one scientist obviously not a dolphin dressed up as a scientist
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Walmart has strategically placed the cold sore meds in the mistletoe aisle.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
Not much I can do
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.