me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
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Okay, I’m still confused…
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
(Electricians.)
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”