We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
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*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.