We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
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As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off