We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
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I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Labreador
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Mmmm. Shoeshi
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”