@calluptome

We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.

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@rachelle_mandik

BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.

@fishbowel

Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?

Friend: we can do a mock interview

Me: ok

Friend: why should we hire you

Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu

@rachelle_mandik

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

@ThugRaccoons

Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine

Me: That took guts, LOL

Patient: Who is that guy?

Surgeon: I thought you knew him

@AmericanGent69

Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.

@WilliamAder

Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.

@EndhooS

Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend

@MafiaJoker78

????My lactose-free, gluten-free, wheat-free, carb-free, nut-free, fat-free milkshake, brings all the weirdos to the yard…????

@ElleOhHell

BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?

@runninforwine

Mom said I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up. So I became sarcastic.