her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
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Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.