I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
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My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.