We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

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Since twitter, I don’t go from home to car to work to car to home

I go from charger to charger to charger to charger to charger


Mom: you failed your english test, didn’t you?

Me: who telled you?


Say what you will about Fidel Castro, at least he didn’t use a private email server.


The babysitter wanted $25.00 an hour this weekend, so I just bought my kid an iPad instead.


What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms


Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride


I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow


“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.


Daughter: You’re invading my personal space

Mom: You came out of my personal space