@brunopieroni

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

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@thatUPSdude

I love when you’re choking someone and they are all “I can’t breathe”, duh I’m choking you.

@Parkerlawyer

Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.

Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.

@dinnersruined

Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.

@Kids_kubed

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away

You are my people

@Adyaces

Doc: You need to lose some weight.

Me: How?

Dr: Don’t eat anything fatty.

Me: Like pies and chips?

Dr: No. Don’t eat anything, fatty.

@2tickytacky

I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.

@JohnHilsen

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

@Ideal_Victoria

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

@designersays

If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.

@RuthePhoenix

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.