Since twitter, I don’t go from home to car to work to car to home
I go from charger to charger to charger to charger to charger
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
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Mom: you failed your english test, didn’t you?
Me: who telled you?
Say what you will about Fidel Castro, at least he didn’t use a private email server.
The babysitter wanted $25.00 an hour this weekend, so I just bought my kid an iPad instead.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police
On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.