I love when you’re choking someone and they are all “I can’t breathe”, duh I’m choking you.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
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Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Doc: You need to lose some weight.
Dr: Don’t eat anything fatty.
Me: Like pies and chips?
Dr: No. Don’t eat anything, fatty.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.