@CakeThrottle

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

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@bonehugsnirony

[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution

@ATXBOSS

Everyone suffering from diseases and natural disasters: hang in there, we’re liking Facebook posts as fast as we can

@bobvulfov

FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”

@sonictyrant

Me: do you wanna play peaches?

Wife: *sigh* no

Me: *leaping from a tree top* I’m ripe!

Wife: 911? Yep, peaches again

@FatherWithTwins

Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re nocturnal.

Cricket: what does that mean?

God: it means you can only be heard at night.

Cricket: oh.

God: and after bad jokes lol.

Cricket:

God:

Cricket: [cricket noises].

@mynameisntdave

ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*

@mortimermaiden

[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!