mom: no politics tonight
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
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“i’m sure you’re all wondering why I’ve gathered you here today”
Everyone suffering from diseases and natural disasters: hang in there, we’re liking Facebook posts as fast as we can
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Me: do you wanna play peaches?
Wife: *sigh* no
Me: *leaping from a tree top* I’m ripe!
Wife: 911? Yep, peaches again
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
God: you’re nocturnal.
Cricket: what does that mean?
God: it means you can only be heard at night.
God: and after bad jokes lol.
Cricket: [cricket noises].
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!