“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
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Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.