A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
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I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it