We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
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6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.