we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably

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HR: know why you’re here?
Me: I put my tongue in the candy cutter
Union: well..unsafe..but fired?
HR: the candy cutter’s name is Trish


I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.


5yo: I love tv

Me: if you love it so much, why don—

5yo: I’m going to marry the tv


If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.


If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party


School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph


Everyone dies of *something*. For example, this man is about to die from buying the last box of Thin Mints in front of me in the cookie line


In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.