@fightgeek

we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably

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@QuietPsycho

HR: know why you’re here?
Me: I put my tongue in the candy cutter
Union: well..unsafe..but fired?
HR: the candy cutter’s name is Trish

@TyWebb1980

I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.

@PleaseBeGneiss

5yo: I love tv

Me: if you love it so much, why don—

5yo: I’m going to marry the tv

@3sunzzz

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

@JackAsHell

If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party

@ClichedOut

School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph

@BuckyIsotope

Everyone dies of *something*. For example, this man is about to die from buying the last box of Thin Mints in front of me in the cookie line

@BatBatshitcrazy

In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.