we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
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The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear