we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably

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I always carry a condom.

I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.


My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!

Until the dog humped the couch


*octopus goes in for a palm reading*



You think Japanese teenagers are shocked the first time they see a real live naked woman & it’s not all pixelated looking down there?


*pretends to get electrocuted when I shake your dad’s hand for the first time*


If those Amazon drones can really get to your house in 30 minutes then condoms are about to become their #1 selling item.


Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.


*a murder mystery party but backwards- where we, as a group, must decide who among us to murder and how*


[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting


YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u