we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably

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ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory

ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back


Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!


Todd the snail: This is bullshit

*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*


Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.


hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-


It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.


Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?


Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?

Cooking instructor: No.


Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?

Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely


Interviewer: we need someone experienced, this job will break you… Worm: (slowly breaks itself in two while maintaining eye contact)


Me: I don’t know how to dance to this kind of music

Beer: yes you do