“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”

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3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?

Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.


Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.


If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.


Oh, you solved a murder? I guess that’s cool. One time I didn’t run over my ex when I saw him crossing the street. I prevented a murder.


when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade


At the grocery store yesterday I saw at least 20 people buy massive amounts of toilet paper, pay with debit cards, use the PIN pads, and then touch their faces. All I’m saying is at least the dinosaurs had an excuse


In high school I was voted class clown after I gave people red balloons and dragged them into the sewer.


WIFE: I can’t take it anymore. Your incorrect use of idioms is tearing us apart!
ME [taking her hand]: Cat got your tongue?


My son just said he doesn’t like cheese and now I have to interview all the mailmen in my neighborhood


The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.