They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
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me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move