@jazmasta

“We suspect you may have inability to vocalise emotion disease”
“I can’t say I’m surprised”
*doc strokes beard*
“Hmm yes.Just as we thought”

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@LlamaInaTux

Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes

Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-

Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one

Me:

Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards

@twelveoclocke

It’s impossible to buy a baguette & carry it home without feeling like an actor who is playing the role of Person Coming Home From The Store

@GrantTanaka

they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had

@kalindi_rana

I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.

Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.

@Darlainky

Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom

@KissabiX

The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle

@Bob_Janke

I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!