“We suspect you may have inability to vocalise emotion disease”
“I can’t say I’m surprised”
*doc strokes beard*
“Hmm yes.Just as we thought”

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Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes

Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-

Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one


Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards


It’s impossible to buy a baguette & carry it home without feeling like an actor who is playing the role of Person Coming Home From The Store


they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had


I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.

Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.


If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.


Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom


The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle


I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!